Remembering is Okay.

I  m i s s  h i m,  a  l o t.

and sometimes I think if I just keep it moving his memories won't creep up on me and make me miss him even more.

I don't like to remember, because remembering hurts.

My dad, the star of my show died when I was 18 years old.

and I still, to this day haven't shed a tear over it.

Im not sure why, but I haven't and I don't ever plan to.

but I don't want to continue to not talk about him, because he did exist and no matter how much I try, I can't forget him. In my life or in my dreams, when I look in the mirror, he is there. always there.

He taught me about politics and religion. maybe not in the most... gentle ways.

He taught me how to have healthy relationship with guns and how to protect myself in any circumstance.

He taught me the value of family, in a very odd and twisted way.

He taught me how to be myself, despite the odds stacked against me.

I watched the Sopranos, Star trek & wars also the three stooges because of him.

He turned me into a nerd.

He is were I get my god awful sense of humor from. I am sure of it.

Im sorry, dude. I tried to carry on the Cowboys Fandom legacy for you, but like seriously... i can't even. Sports suck. *whew* after all these years i finally got that off my chest.

He is where I get my taste in music from.

I am him, in girl form.

Maybe I don't like to talk about him because the thought of him comes with a lot of anger and hurt.

I wish I got to know him more, I wish I had more time, I wish i had more control, I wish things didn't play out the way they did.

I wish things were different.

b u t  t h e y  a r e n't.

and so I must allow my love for him to grow, and blossom, despite the fact that he's not here... because, and I mean this as hippy dippy as it sounds, he is here. within me.

The more I love me, the more I love him.

Here's to you daddy.

always and forever yours,

Peanut.